


Pipe Dream

by Rabentochter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hope vs Despair, Jealousy, Loki (Marvel) Angst, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Gets a Hug, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Pain, Pining, Pining Loki (Marvel), Secret Relationship, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 11:30:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20425253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabentochter/pseuds/Rabentochter
Summary: Loki and Tony are in a relationship and have been for ages – but they have to keep it a secret. Loki is still considered an enemy of the Avengers and Tony can never date a villain. It means that whenever anyone appears, Loki has to become invisible and watch the man that he loves pretend Loki doesn't exist.





	Pipe Dream

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NamelesslyNightlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamelesslyNightlock/gifts).

> Did you ever have a moment of panic because you realised you fucked up after hitting enter? I had that moment. So I figured _LET ME BE CLEVER, QUICK_ and this happened:
> 
> Dear Lou, beloved wifey, I hope you liked what I made out of your prompt where I got lots of help by our wifey Stars to make sure this got the happy ending you wanted 🥴
> 
> Also thanks to Ehtar who was okay with me using them for the lie 😆❤️
> 
> I hope you enjoy your August Santa gift! 🙌❤️

The sun was sinking and bathed the skyline of New York in a deep orange. Loki couldn’t stop looking at it. The sight of it was so familiar by now from Anthony’s penthouse but he couldn’t get enough of it. It was so oddly tranquil, a moment that would repeat itself every evening repeatedly, despite what was happening in Loki’s life. 

He looked at the man in his arms before him, taking in the beauty of the sunset too. He was so lucky to have Anthony with him and by his side. With a smile he pressed a kiss to the unruly hair, noticing with delight how Anthony relaxed back against him. 

They were cuddling on the couch together, glasses with fine scotch standing on the table before them. Sometimes Loki yearned for standing with Anthony on the balcony outside but they could never be sure if someone was noticing them or not. And it would be unwise to draw unwanted attention to them. He swallowed dryly, closing his eyes in bitter pain. The Avengers and SHIELD were still officially hunting him for his invasion attempt.

And for breaking out of Asgard’s prison, of course. 

But what was Loki supposed to do? He had gotten his rest in there, collected all his strength and prison was boring, no book would ever really satisfy him for all eternity, so he had created an illusion from himself and slipped out when a guard was coming to bring him to the shower rooms. It had been laughably easy from there on to sneak into his rooms, changed his attire and then – _left_.

Where to, Loki had no idea but Vanaheim had bored him after a few days and Jotunheim was simply out of the question, no explanation needed. And with that and Thor close on his tail, Loki went to Midgard and ended up in a bar where he had met Anthony. They both didn’t remember much – which said a lot about how _much _Loki had drunk. And how generous Anthony could be. Because Loki didn’t have any Midgardian money on him and he _hated _spells for currency. 

“Care to let me in on the joke?” Anthony asked him, turning around so he could see Loki’s face. “I don’t have anything in my hair, do I?” 

Loki shook his head with a fond smile. “No, your hair is as pretty as always. I was remembering our first real meeting, that’s all.” 

“Ah. Yes. I still have no idea _exactly _what happened in that time.” 

“Neither do I,” Loki admitted, “it’s all a bit foggy.” 

“Well, I can assure the outcome was phenomenal when I let you stay _and _sleep in my bed.” 

“Good to know,” Loki replied dryly. “Now if you’d only let me have some of the countless pillows in your bed, everything would have been perfect.” 

“Well, admittedly, waking up to seeing green eyes staring at you a hair's breadth away isn’t the most perfect thing either.” 

“Better than listening to snores all night.” 

“You _could _have moved me with all your super strength!” Anthony sat up, a small grin playing around his mouth. “But you didn’t which means that you _liked it_!” 

Loki’s mouth fell open to protest. Just because Anthony was right didn't mean that Loki had to _give _him right. 

_“Sirs, I’m sorry but Rogers is taking the elevator up to the penthouse. He wants to talk with you about team building exercises and Avengers’ related business.”_

With that, all good humour evaded them and they became aware of what situation they were trapped in. Loki bent his head to kiss Anthony softly – he should have done that earlier, not wasting their time with bantering about a topic they had talked about often enough. They did not have enough time as it was already, so why did they still insist on wasting it? 

“Rogers has terrible timing,” Anthony muttered when they broke apart, entwining their limbs to stand up. “The sunsets are _ours_.” 

“Rogers doesn’t know that.” Loki gave him a last, fleeting kiss before he called his seiðr to him and disappeared. Rogers rarely came up to the penthouse, preferring to stay at his level with someone or was at the training grounds, or at the Avengers' level. Anthony’s penthouse was only visited when it was serious which meant that Rogers would take up most of Anthony’s time. 

He ended up in their bedroom, the lights out and the infernal TV _off_. Anthony insisted on having it on so he could hear when a good movie was about to be played or hear the news. Which didn’t make any sense since Anthony had JARVIS to keep him up-to-date but everyone had their own little tick. With a sigh he changed his attire into a green tunic he preferred to wear to sleep and black boxers before he crawled into the bed. Since he already had to give up their sunset, that he could at least have Anthony in his arms at night – 

It was better than nothing. 

Loki was used to having only bits of Anthony. But as he mentioned, he was used to it. Even when he didn’t like it and it wore on his nerves, when he had to pretend he still _hated _Anthony when the Avengers were hunting him again – it was still time they spent together. 

He could hear Rogers laugh loudly and shortly after Anthony’s own followed. Jealousy crawled up his throat and he swallowed it down, pretending it wasn’t there, that it wasn’t Rogers out there who kept his lover away from him. He only wanted them to enjoy this evening, take a time out after their unusual busy schedule the last few days.

If Loki didn’t know better he was tempted to say that someone was giving the Avengers hints all the time on his whereabouts. He was so sick of not being able to stroll through New York as he pleased – because the people from here knew his face, knew to what story the face belonged and made everything just so much more difficult. There seldom was time for a walk with Anthony and dinner dates weren’t easy either – as comfortable as Loki was with changing his physical appearance, it still set him off when he remained in a different form for too long. Not, that it was healthy for seiðr-masters either but – better than nothing. 

While listening to Anthony joke in the next room, he stayed wide awake. He couldn’t bear the consequences of the other Avengers finding him taking a nap in Anthony’s bed. Not only would Rogers attempt to constrain him but also Anthony’s already frail bond with the Avengers would be broken without a doubt. No, he would stay awake and pray to the Norns Rogers would leave soon and his lover would find his way back into their bed. That was all he could do. And –

His eyes went wide as cold shock flooded through him. 

There had been _two _glasses of Scotch on the table. And he hadn’t let them disappear. They had to still be standing on the table. He cursed quietly but – he couldn’t do anything, could he? He didn’t know _where _in the room Rogers stood or if Anthony hadn’t taken care of the issue already. 

Perhaps he would be lying to Rogers, should he ask. Say he had another visitor before and simply forgot to take away the used glasses. He turned his eyes away from the door, suddenly it was too tempting and too close to him. 

A simple piece of wood was all that separated him from Anthony and yet, he still was here. Hiding. Pretended that he wasn’t here at all and didn’t exist in Anthony’s life, apart from his role as the Avengers’ favourite villain. Perhaps the visitor wasn’t Rogers, as Loki was assuming – the visitor was him; the affair nobody should know about. 

If he had any more pride he’d leave Anthony in an instant – or demand of him to choose between him leaving or confessing his secret to the Avengers. But the truth was, Loki had no pride when it came to Anthony. He was the man Loki loved and coveted the most in his life and _what _was pride against love?

Pride would never make him feel so warm and bring forward those tender feelings in him. It wasn’t pride which created some of the most amazing memories – sitting on the couch, basking in the sunsets or making love to Anthony on their bed; pride wasn’t what brought Loki through another difficult day in his life. 

The Avengers thought him cold, unmerciful and a _diva _– Anthony had to explain the meaning of the word to him – but the truth was, that Loki simply felt too deeply and had to hide that fact. If you were a prince of Asgard and showed openly how you felt? You were doomed to be used and exploited by savages, mocked for being _a princess _and not being a strong and capable enough man. Hide how you were feeling and you’d live for a day longer. Loki had often thought about that when he had been a prince and his most difficult task had been to ensure that Thor didn’t muck up _everything._

Now, things were different and he had to get used to them. He had made his bed a while ago and now had to learn to lie in it. 

He closed his eyes with a smile full of regret, cast a spell that would alarm him should Rogers walk towards their bedroom, then fell into an uneasy slumber.

The bed dipped under Anthony’s weight when he joined him what felt like hours later. Loki pulled his arm around his chest, entwined their fingers, pressed a kiss to them, then allowed himself to fall back asleep. He could forget his troubles in these arms, be he awake or asleep or something in between. The trouble that plagued his mind vanished slowly, leaving only him behind and he snuggled back into Anthony’s warmth behind him. 

Whenever he was with Anthony, Loki could for a moment close his eyes and _forget_. There were no roles they had to take on except for the ones they _wanted _to have. So, he simply breathed in, made himself aware of the gift he had been given and relaxed.

He had Anthony, the man who had fascinated him the most since he first met him – it was a bit challenging to forget someone who blasted you thoroughly with ACDC and gave you a nickname in the next second. Then there was everything Barton had told him about Stark – his involuntary exile in Afghanistan, the trial he went through there and came out of it as an iron victor. It had made Loki curious about him and the day he had met him _again _– in this penthouse, he in his armour and the sceptre in his hand, Anthony without ‘any’ weapon at all. 

-☼-

There was no need to ask Loki if he was content and happy with his life – because despite all hardship, that’s what he was. He stirred the noodles, looked at the sauce and turned the heat from the oven down. Cooking was a hobby Loki had taken a liking to easily – it was a good opportunity to ease his mind and cause a controlled chaos in the kitchen. The knife he had used to cut tomatoes apart was embedded in the wall, a lovely decorating piece in Loki’s opinion. The breadboard served as tray for the plates and glasses, the napkins were laying around _somewhere _– had he put them into a drawer? And in overall, there were vegetable pieces, a few basil leaves and there might be a few noodles laying on the floor. 

“Can you actually cook without making such a mess?” 

Loki turned around, in his hand a spoon to taste the sauce. “No,” he said determined and pointed at himself with the spoon. “God of Chaos, you remember?” 

“Yes.” Anthony nodded and came closer, his eyes lit in amusement. “I remember. And you have something there.” 

“Where?” Loki asked, licking his lips for sauce but he couldn’t find anything. 

“There,” Anthony mumbled, leaned forward and pressed his lips to Loki’s. What a lovely, lovely trick. Loki sighed happily, crossed his arms behind Anthony’s neck and tasted the man, lips slowly moving against each other, savouring the contact. 

“Dinner?” Loki asked him quietly. 

“I’d love to,” he replied, seeming equally excited for their time together as Loki was if not more.

Loki pulled a chair out for Anthony, filled the plates with the pasta he made. It smelled delicious, if Loki could say that about the meal he had prepared. 

He was waiting for someone to interrupt them, Loki realised as he ate his pasta and listened to Anthony talk about his day. He hoped that Anthony didn’t notice the way he clutched the fork tighter. Was he becoming paranoid? Perhaps. But he had good reason to be like that. Yet nothing happened. It was only the two of them, sharing stories of their day, laughing over the ridiculousness of others, and eating together. 

It was perfect, a single occasion of uninterrupted shared moments. He took Anthony’s hand, feeling elated like seldom before and led him to their bedroom. If they now had time for themselves then Loki wouldn’t let it go to waste. Before they would get disturbed again he pulled Anthony close against him, his hands resting on his hips and locked their lips together with a happy sigh. A stressed calmness overcame him while he was deepening the kiss with a stroke of his tongue, slid it against Anthony’s while his fingers clutched him stronger. It was at the border of being _too painful_, he realised as his love winced when his nails dug too deep into the tanned skin. 

“Not that I mind a bit of pain,” Anthony rasped, “but I don’t want to look like someone who just slaughtered zombies like in The Walking Dead.” 

Loki released his tight hold. “I forgot how easily you Midgardians break.” 

“Easily?” Anthony grinned. “That felt like you were attempting to stab me with your nails. You should try that as a weapon some time.” 

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” 

“No harm done.” Anthony winked at him, before he rose on his toes, kissing Loki again. He went with it willingly, glad for the distraction more than ever and tried to fade out his mind nagging at him. It couldn’t be too much to ask for some uninterrupted time. They deserved it. 

Loki closed the door shut behind them with his seiðr, keeping _everything _out that wasn’t them. 

Anthony’s soft moans against his lips were a melody never to be forgotten; breathless and heated, a spoonful of needy keens mingling with them. Loki could only stare in wonder at his lover beneath him, his open and flushed face, just so _trusting_. And it was Loki who he allowed to see that. Laid himself bare to when there was the risk that should they be discovered, he’d be branded a traitor. And yet, he was here. Loki mouthed at his throat, sucked at the skin to leave a mark there. Just a small one where Anthony could hide it from his friends. 

Anthony was whispering words to him that filled him with a warmth of sweetness, his heart racing faster. He told him how good he was and there were other words as well, words that made him keen sweetly and clench tightly, but Loki wasn’t entirely sure what he said. But they made Anthony feel good and his eyes were blazing with its own heat, that was what counted and he got lost in them, feeling lighter with each second more. There was tension building up tighter in his stomach, demanding to be finally let go of. Loki held on though, until he could feel Anthony coming warm and wet against his stomach, only then he let go as well. 

They would manage this. Loki nearly purred in delight when fingers started to comb through his hair, tugging with the right amount of strength. He was melting on Anthony, remembered to remove their sticky release then sagged back on the mattress. His eyes closed on their own and he skittered closer to Anthony, seeking his warmth. A proof that he was there _with him_, not being seized by someone else and their random visits. 

-☼-

Alas things never stayed good. He was Loki, his life was marked by being let down and forgotten for other things and people. The plan – even if they never really stuck to it – had been to tinker around in the workshop. Yet in their enthusiasm of spending time together and while his seiðr was playing ‘fetch’ with Dum-E, it seemed to have slipped their mind that it was the first Friday of a new month. Loki realised it only as FRIDAY told them the Widow was walking down to the workshop that Anthony would have to leave. 

He turned invisible, gave Anthony’s hand a small squeeze and then settled back into his role of being the silent shadow. 

“Don’t tell me you forgot it's Movie Night,” the Widow said with a pout. “We only have it once in a month. You can’t skip out of that.” 

“I didn’t forget,” Anthony replied with a sigh. “I just forgot it’s Friday already.” 

She laughed. “You’re coming? Steve made sweet popcorn, not that salty-sweet one he prefers.” 

“Finally some _real _popcorn!” 

She turned around and left the workshop. 

Loki looked at Anthony whose shoulders dropped. 

“Sorry, Lokes. I’ll catch you later.” With a sad smile directed at him Anthony left. 

Of course that didn’t hurt at all. Loki just stood there, his hands grabbing the table only for stabilisation and his heart had a malfunction. He couldn’t hold it against Anthony that he had to leave. It was necessary for them to uphold their cover. But it didn’t change the circumstances that it was Loki, once more, who was left alone and behind for someone else. It didn’t fully excuse Anthony who could have claimed a workshop binge, sickness, that he had had a world-changing idea and the movie night would have to happen sometime else. 

It reminded him too much of his former life on Asgard. It had _always _been Thor Odin chose to talk to. Never had it been him. He was to stand at the side or even behind them, listening attentively and had to bear the sheer stupidity Thor spouted. And Odin? He nodded, smiled and encouraged Thor to tell him more, promised him with a smile that one day he’d be a great king while Loki stood there and his toes were curling in horror. How often did he have to be _relieved _that this was only hypothetical and not a real exchange between Thor and an honorary diplomat? The amount of insults Thor had let off, the blatant show of disregard towards other cultures and their wishes, it still amazed Loki that Thor was still alive. 

Would he stay here in the workshop? He let his gaze flitter around, petted U’s claw almost absently. Of course he could stay, do some more research on how Midgard’s physics compared to his seiðr, what laws applied and whether Einstein’s disambiguation formula was applicable to it.

But this night was supposed to be about Anthony and him. Loki closed his eyes with a sigh as his heart tugged and screamed. He wanted to hold him in his arms, kiss him and just enjoy their time together. Maybe he couldn’t do that visible but invisible? Of course. 

Loki swallowed and walked up the stairs, knowing full well that he was walking into the Lion’s Den of pain and endless pining. He told himself it was better to watch Anthony from afar than to have nothing at all from their evening.

He chose a corner as his spot to stand in as it gave him the ability to watch Anthony without having to fear that one of the Avengers would stand up and walk into him. 

Anthony ate his sweet popcorn with an unbridled joy, more interested in it than in the movie. Loki bit on his lip not to call out or say _something _when Banner’s hand rested for too long on Anthony’s arm. It seemed like it stayed there for an eternity. What wouldn’t Loki give to be able to slap that offending hand away. He trusted Anthony, he knew that he’d stay _faithful _to him and not give Banner a chance. It still didn’t sit right with Loki. He watched as Anthony’s face flickered between amusement and disgust as the movie played on, bantered with his other friends. 

Loki wanted to be part of this. He wanted to sit there where Banner sat, throw popcorn at the others while he distracted Anthony with sweet kisses and tease him until he had enough and start to make out with Loki on the couch with the others present. Loki would let him if only for a few moments before teleporting them to the bedroom and let things run from there on. Afterwards they’d bear the endless teasing of the Avengers but –

It would be better than this. Cold disappointment swept through Loki and fought with the love he felt for his small Midgardian. 

Perhaps he had moved wrongly or had given a noise because in the next moment, Anthony was looking in the direction of him. 

“Something there?” Barton asked, using the opportunity of Anthony being distracted and reached for the popcorn. 

“No.” Anthony turned back to him with a grin. “I just zoned out for a moment.” 

“When are you ever zoning out?” 

“Oh, you know,” he laughed and Loki felt relieved in a disappointed way, “I often do when you’re nearby.” 

“That’s true love.” Barton winked saucily.

Anthony snorted. “Zoning out when you’re talking is true love? If that’s what helps you sleep at night, awesome.”

His eyes flitted around until they landed again in the general area of Loki. He mouthed a ‘sorry’. Loki smiled at that. This was sweet of Anthony to tell him sorry when he was in the vicinity of _two spies_. He hoped neither had seen it or when then interpreted it being directed at Clint. 

Then Anthony concentrated on the movie and his friends again. When the movie was over and Loki thought that _finally _he would have him now to himself, Rogers started the next one. Loki’s heart sank. But he stayed where he was, content to watch Anthony having fun. Perhaps he was lying to himself. He observed silently, watched as he laughed and how beautiful he looked when he was carefree and enjoyed himself. 

With that an uncomfortable truth hit Loki. Anthony was his lover but only in secret. There were the ‘I love you’s spoken in tender admiration or heated words but – 

Anthony could also find that with someone else. If Loki was to break up with him – not that he would because Anthony was everything that was good in his life – then his friends would be there to catch him and cheer him up. He wouldn’t be alone. They were there to make him smile again, to coax him with gentle words or steely arguments out from his workshop so he wouldn’t end up alone and forgotten there. 

Their time together was lovely but Loki already had come to expect to be interrupted by them. Maybe for now it was good enough but inevitably, Anthony would leave him. He was hosting his enemy under the nose of his friends, betraying them for him. Loki was thankful for it but he had to stay realistic. 

Anthony’s laughter broke his stream of thoughts for a moment. He was gorgeous like that and Loki only wanted to kiss the dimples in his cheek, tell Anthony how sweet and adorable he was. How lucky he was to have him. 

But that would mean they had to be allowed to be open about themselves which wasn’t the case. Loki grieved for every moment they had to miss because of their circumstances. 

All he wanted was for Anthony to be happy. And he was. Here, with his friends. Of course he was happy with Loki as well, he had told him so and Loki saw no reason to doubt his words, not when they were spoken in such a sincere way like Anthony does. But the pressure and forced lies their relationship brought with them – 

What was if it became one day too much for Anthony? _Loki _could live with the lie even when it was with a bittersweet smile but he would survive, he had done so for the most part of his life anyway. Anthony was lying to the people he held close to his heart that had been here before Loki. For how much longer would he be able to stand the pressure? Until he cracked and had to decide. 

Loki swallowed. Suddenly seeing Anthony with the others didn’t feel like spending time with him anymore. It felt like saying an undetermined goodbye. Assuring himself that Anthony would be fine and happy when Loki couldn’t do it any longer. His eyes were hurting. His hands started to tremble and the shadow the TV cast felt like it was eating him whole and nobody would notice. Nobody would see, would care only when the lights got turned on again and Loki would be thrust into it. 

No. There was only one outcome to Anthony and his story. It had been looming over them since the day they met, they simply hadn’t realised it until now. But with the determined force of a Bilgesnipe they were running towards a cliff and there was no stop. Only forward and they could either ride the beast and end in shatters or jump off now. Both would hurt - only one would hurt less. 

Only one choice would hurt less than the other. Perhaps he should give Anthony the choice now. Talk with him about this. They had told each other to be brutally honest with one another, too many lies were confusing and blurred their minds. 

He wanted to laugh, wanted to laugh so badly, laugh over the irony that the one good thing in his life had been damned from the beginning and curse his own mind for being so overly pessimistic. But he was right. Anthony tickled the Widow who retaliated by tickling him as well. Norns, he was so happy, giddy even, tears of laughter slowly falling from his eyes.

Loki disappeared quietly. 

The sun was just starting to go down fully. He sat down on the couch, the empty silence of the penthouse haunting him and suppressing him. But he let it do its work. Anthony was a few levels below him and he was up here, watching the sunset that was meant to be theirs. 

He had lived with himself for a long while by now. Loki knew that those thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone now. Once there, always there, reminding him of their existence. He kneaded his fingers, anguish lacing through him like a knife that got stuck in his body and left there to rot. 

The sun went down and everything was still so _silent_. Even the sound of the evening traffic would be welcome to him now but Loki couldn’t bring himself to stand up and open the window. It was too much effort and he had to hold his thoughts at bay, forcing them _to stop _and leave him alone. At least for a little longer. 

The penthouse looked like it always had. Bright, friendly, golden hues here and there and enough space to throw one of Anthony’s parties here without any problems. Nothing would tell anyone that Loki was living here, too. There were a few books he had stolen from Asgard in a desperate moment but they were distinguished enough to pass as Midgardian books about science. Nobody except for Anthony cared about them, Banner was more interested in Gamma rays and medicine nowadays than other things. 

If he left now, nothing would change. There would only be two torn hearts but one would heal quickly while the other suffered in the delight of being free of the uncertainty of this all. He had lost the battle to himself already, Loki realised bitterly, and he hadn’t even need much to win. Just a scenery and a single moment that let misery wall up in him stronger than ever and his doubts had taken care of the rest. 

-☼-

Anthony was a bundle of bright joy and delight when he came back upstairs hours later and joined Loki on the bed. 

“I’m back,” he mumbled and pressed a kiss to Loki’s nape. 

Loki hummed quietly, pulled Anthony’s arm over his waist and held it close. “Sleep,” he said in a drowsy voice. 

“Missed you.” 

“I missed you too.” Loki turned his head just a bit. “We’ll talk tomorrow. Sleep well.” 

“You too.” 

Anthony soon fell asleep, warm against Loki’s back. 

Loki breathed in, rubbed with his thumb over Anthony’s hand in a circular movement and just _revelled _in what he had currently. He didn’t want to let go of Anthony for now. Later was debatable though. 

-☼-

He started the next day with a numb mind, the tea smelling delicious and the coffee not less tempting. There was no avoidance of what was going to come. He would have to do it in a subtle way so he wouldn’t scare Anthony away which was something he wanted to avoid. 

When Anthony entered the room he realised almost instantly that something was wrong. Loki seldom sat down at a table at this early hour. He was one of those people who preferred to sleep in for as long as he could. Sleep long in the morning and stay awake late into the night, that was his mantra he had lived with for years. 

“Something the matter, Lokes?”

“Just thinking.” He winked at Anthony. “Please, sit down.” 

“And there’s nothing you want to talk about? Or, let me know about?” Anthony eyed the cup of coffee with suspicion. 

“No. I just want to spend time with you after we got so rudely interrupted yesterday.” 

Instantly Anthony’s face softened and he sat down, clutched the cup of coffee tight. 

“Tell me what’s on your mind,” Anthony said eventually. “Don’t tell me you’re just thinking. You’re looking stressed and as if you haven’t slept in days.” 

Loki shrugged. “Nothing in particular. Just, yesterday was a bit of a revelation.” 

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“I don’t know.” Loki gazed into his cup. “It was certainly something which made me realise things I had chosen not to think about.” 

He raised his eyes to Anthony who looked at him almost lost. 

“I love you, Anthony. Don’t doubt that. But I think that the way we are right now, we will eventually have to come to a decision. Either we will have to choose us both and deal with what gets thrown our way or stop and burn the bridge.” He bit on the inside of his cheek before he continued, in an almost casual voice and told Anthony what he had thought yesterday. 

Anthony didn’t interrupt him, let him talk it all out and Loki was thankful for it. He wasn’t quite sure how much courage he would have left had he needed to stop. 

When he was done they were silent. 

“I’m sorry for dumping all that on you at once.” 

Anthony waved him off. “No, no. That’s good that you did.” He stared at Loki with an almost dead expression. “I think that-, no, scratch that.” He sighed. “I don’t think anything.” 

Regret rolled through Loki and he wanted to take Anthony’s hand, assure him that they were okay. 

“Listen, I need to think about this,” Anthony said then. “That was; I mean _wow Lokes_, that was harsh and brutally honest. It’s seven in the morning and we’re sitting here and I-“ he took a shuddering breath. 

“No, no. I understand.” Loki offered a single smile. 

“I don’t want to give you up, Loki,” Anthony stated quietly. “I don’t think I’m able to. But if you feel that way then it means that something needs to be fixed and yes, this is less than ideal but I could live with it as long as _you _are happy. And don’t tell me you are happy,” he said when he noticed that Loki’s mouth opened. “Because if you _were _then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” 

“I am sorry,” Loki repeated, quieter and feeling bereft of something. He stood up carefully as to not to make a noise. 

“I know.” Anthony’s mouth curled into a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I’ll see you later again.” 

“Yes.” Loki closed his eyes then let his seiðr take him away. 

-☼-

He had no right to feel bereft. It had been him who started this conversation. It had been him who just crushed parts of Anthony’s heart – he couldn’t sulk now, and had even less of a right to feel sorry for himself.

The air was blowing in his face. Maybe things would change now but in the end? In the end Anthony would come to his senses and _realise _that he didn’t need Loki, that this was nice but it was better to end things here and now before the ultimate crash. Before they were in too deep – they already were who was he lying to – and it would hurt less now. 

Yes. And it still felt like he was dying already, bleeding out from the inside. The thought alone of returning to Anthony and being told that he was right – because he always was, he always would be, that was the curse of being Loki – and this time someone would finally believe his words. Just the effect wouldn’t be an elated response, it would be true horror and agony. The price he had to pay for his words to be taken serious. And it would cost him Anthony. 

But he would be happy and well. There would be no more reason to lie to his friends, no more hiding the marks Loki left on him. 

Eventually everything would be better. 

What would he do without Anthony though? 

Loki froze on the spot. So far, he had only thought about what Anthony would do _afterwards_. But him-? 

Where would he go? 

What would he do? When there was nobody anymore who listened to him and distracted him, who showed him that life could be different as to how grown used to. 

There would be no warm smiles anymore. No soft and tender touches, no teasing in the evenings and no more shared sunsets. He would have to learn to appreciate sunsets on his own and get used to the feeling of being alone again. Content himself with seeing Anthony only when they were fighting. Just then he would have to remember he couldn’t go back to Anthony and assure himself he was _well_, that there was no lasting damage and kiss the hurt away. 

People were laughing around him and their happiness was too much for him. He was _in pain_, couldn’t they see that? For a moment he indulged himself in the fantasy of returning to the penthouse, tell Anthony that it didn’t matter, that Loki would prefer the crash over everything else. But that wouldn’t be fair to him. As much as Loki wanted to do it, he would give Anthony the time to think. 

He walked in a disguise through New York, shared the misery others lived through too. 

When his eyes landed on the tall silhouette of the Tower Loki found he couldn’t bring himself to return there. If he gave Anthony more time would he miss him? Tell Loki that they would find a solution? 

Loki was almost disgusted with himself, clinging too tightly onto a fantasy that had no potential of ever becoming real. He walked on, his mind trying to find a solution. If he asked SHIELD for a parley would they agree? Or agree to it but slap manacles on his wrists regardless? Unlike him Midgardians weren’t bound to their words. Loki would be disappointed if they didn’t use the opportunity to catch him. He hated wasted opportunities even when it meant they would be to his disadvantage. But if Anthony was to step in and broker an agreement between SHIELD and him? 

And then what? 

Loki’s gaze lingered on the balcony of the Tower. He was still a villain in the eyes of the people, in the eyes of Thor. What did they want to do with him? He was of no use to spy on other villains because Loki didn’t work with them, Doom was only a source of annoyance and HYDRA was a group of stumbling fools. Of course they could recruit him as a counsellor for magic related matters but – 

There weren’t that many to begin with. 

And Midgardians were obsessed with the idea of _justice _however wrong their concept of it might be. Helping out the Avengers was an idea too ridiculous to start thinking about it. His fingers clenched tightly as he walked on and on. 

If he decided to stop and stand still now who knew what was racing through his head in the next second? Walking helped him to concentrate on Anthony, on their small issue. If he was to discover a solution to their problem now Loki would run straight back to the penthouse. But he didn’t discover any. Instead he walked on and on, ignored the sun going up and down, the cold air of the night that caressed his skin in a soft kiss. His feet weren’t even hurting. A small mercy that had been granted to him by walking with Thor for what seemed like days through forests and deserts, hunting down criminals to better their reputations as princes of Asgard. 

How was Anthony doing? Loki stopped abruptly and a pedestrian walked into him. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to stop in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge. He missed Anthony. How long had he been walking anyway? Was this how he was to spend the rest of his life? Walking until his feet stopped working? 

He wanted to see the grin on Anthony’s lips again, the warmth flaring in his eyes and listen to him complain about the paperwork for Stark Industries. 

His seiðr danced on his fingers. He needed a distraction. _Now_. 

He flung his seiðr at the cars, turned them green and let the radios play only ‘Scatman’. A bit of Scat never hurt anybody.

The frustrated yells did wonders to Loki, a grin sneaked on his lips. Perhaps causing mischief was what he needed now. He let his disguise fade away, replaced it with his outfit and strolled the bridge down. People were running away from him or at him. Depended on who it was. A man who had more muscles than Thor – really that was apparently capable of happening – ran towards him and Loki opened his laces, let him stumble. 

The man cursed and Loki smiled, walked on. He had some twenty minutes left until he had reached the end of the bridge. Someone tried to shoot him but Loki turned the bullet into a rose, caught it from the air and sent the daring idiot an air kiss. 

“A rose for me? I’m flattered.” 

He was perhaps three minutes more on the bridge when he heard the familiar sound of the Quinjet, Mjölnir whirling through the air and of course, ACDC livening up the whole scenario. 

Loki turned around to the Avengers with a grin. 

Then the fight was on. Loki turned Rogers’ shield into a ‘Hello Kitty’ poster. Sadly it didn’t stay that way for long because vibranium fought seiðr as did uru. Loki didn’t spend all too much time on the shield, he spun around, kicked Thor in the ribs while he focused on Anthony who was rounding up the civilians. 

He was a good man despite what he may think of himself. Tried his best to put others first and himself last – a lesson that had been learnt the hard way. 

When Anthony turned to him, his repulsors glowing cold white Loki fought the smile which wanted to sit on his lips. 

“Causing chaos again, Reindeer Games?” 

“Always,” Loki replied and foolish as he was, allowed himself to just stare at the Iron Man faceplate. His Anthony was hiding beneath it. He was he-

Electrical shocks were surging through him, his nerves were _burning_. 

A pained gasp escaped him. 

Iron Man hesitated. 

Loki kicked to his right where the pain was coming from, his fist met something and he heard it crack. 

_Pain_. 

It was comparable to standing in fire, no water in sight that would extinguish it and yet, all Loki could think was that it was a shame Dum-E couldn’t be here. His right side was hurting and there was –

_Clang_. 

He staggered back, being hit straight in the chest by Rogers’ shield. Then something whirred through the air, it was pure luck only he avoided getting an arrow in his hand. He was too distracted. Too much pain. There were still electric pulses running through his side. 

If he didn’t want to get captured he had to get away. Far away. Another arrow whirred through the air. 

A last glance at Iron Man then Loki allowed his seiðr to take him away from here.

-☼-

That had been way too close. Loki panted, let another disguise fall over him and sat down on a bench. What a fortune that nobody bothered to look in his direction, he looked to the outside like a man who had run for too long and was out of breath. It was pretty close to the truth. 

Loki gulped, touched his hurting side with careful fingers. It was red and more than irritated. The Widow Bites weren’t something to underestimate. Loki had just been lost in seeing Anthony again, and had forgotten to pay attention to his surroundings. 

He sent a tingle of calming seiðr to the irritated nerves. It burned even more. Loki bit on his hand to stop himself from yelling in pain. 

Eventually it stopped.

Loki breathed out in relief. It seemed as if he had nearly broken skin on his hand. But that pain was more bearable than the pain in his side had been. 

_Note to yourself, Loki_, he thought in a streak of bitter humour, _don’t get lost in Anthony’s eyes._

That now – 

It had to stop. Loki couldn’t allow himself to be caught that close again. Not if he wanted to keep his head where it was for a while longer. 

Maybe this had been a sign to stop avoiding Anthony and his decision. There was no need to delay the inevitable any longer, was there? Because if it was to be over – 

Better now than never? Loki was already hurting what did a small heartbreak even matter in the scale of pain then? 

Loki took a moment to collect himself. His side was already fine, he was mostly fine as well. There was no more need to put the confrontation off. 

He waved with his hand and his seiðr took him to the place he considered as his home. 

It had only been a second at most after Loki entered the penthouse, then he was pulled into warm arms. 

_Oh_. 

It was unavoidable that he melted into the hug, his arms looping around Anthony, pulling him in tight. 

“Thank fuck you’re here,” Anthony mumbled in his chest. 

Loki held him closer. “As am I.” Being able to breathe Anthony’s scent in again, holding him close, he didn’t want to let go of him again. 

“Are you okay?” 

Loki nodded. “Yes. I am.” 

“You have to take better care of yourself,” Anthony whispered and looked him in the eyes. His hands twitched on Loki’s coat. “Please, I don’t think I can survive it seeing you hurt like that again.” 

He had been afraid, Loki realised with shock. Afraid that Loki had been hurt too severely. 

“And you’re here.” Anthony shook his head. “I was worried you wouldn’t come home again. Why didn’t you come back yesterday?” 

Loki looked at him silently before he softly cradled his face in his hands and pressed his lips to Anthony’s. It was just a small kiss, a quiet assurance that they were both here and well, not separated from another. 

“Lokes,” Anthony mumbled, his eyes still closed after their kiss ended. “I won’t lose you. I refuse to let that happen.” 

Loki smiled bitterly at that. “I don’t think that’s something we can avoid, Anthony.” 

“Yes, we can.” He opened his eyes and looked at Loki fiercely. His voice reverted to a growl. “You know the fight today showed me something.” 

“And that would be?” Loki asked carefully. 

“That I would help you the moment the Avengers would try to capture you.” 

Shock flooded Loki. 

“I love you, Lokes. I don’t want you to hide, I don’t want _us _to hide. I want to run around with your marks on my skin and show who I belong to and want you to do the same. The Avengers are my friends, yes. But you are who I want to spend my life with, not them. I want to make sure that you’re fine after a fight; I will not sit here another day and wait for you to come back eventually. I want to watch my sunsets with you and not be interrupted by others.” 

“Anthony,” Loki mumbled but he shook his head. 

“No. I will not let you go. And we won’t crash either. And if that means leaving the Avengers – _fine_. As long as it means I can be with you.” 

“You would do that?” Loki whispered. 

“Of course.” Anthony raised his brows. “Don’t think I wouldn’t do it. I don’t need to be an Avenger to fight the bad guys. Iron Man operated on his own before the Avengers joined the picture. I can be on solo duty again. Or perhaps my horned boyfriend would give me a hand?” 

“You want me to be your shield brother?” Loki asked him. 

“Shield brother, my lover, whatever you want to call it as long as it means that we’re together.” 

Loki melted at that, capturing Anthony’s lips in another kiss. It felt like flying, kissing him. 

“They will brand you as traitor,” Loki panted against red lips. 

“I don’t care. If they’re my friends then they’ll try to understand. Otherwise it’ll be the last day they live in my Tower.”

“Anthony-“

“Sssh, Lokes.” Anthony smiled at him warmly. “It’s going to be alright. We stick together through this and whatever comes our way, well, you can just blast it away with your magic and I with my armour.”

“Easier said than done.”

“It is that easy,” Anthony assured him with a wink. “Now come. I have to make sure you’re alright. And that involves you getting rid of those clothes. My check-ups demand a certain thoroughness.” 

Loki followed him into the shower with a smile on the lips. He clutched tightly onto the optimistic words of Anthony. Perhaps things really were that easy. Perhaps it was time for him to start trusting and having hope again.

**Author's Note:**

> Idea for how the problem gets solved: 
> 
> Tony says to the Avengers he has a boyfriend. And also throwing down that he's not giving him up, reveals it is Loki and adds he'll give up the Avengers if that's what it takes. Someone pointing out giving up the Avengers or giving up Iron Man. And Tony flatly looking at them and saying, "To keep him, I'd give up being Iron Man."
> 
> And then a moment later, Loki appears beside him and "Anthony, I would never make you do that."
> 
> And then uproar and chaos and Loki grinning and sitting down beside Tony quite calmly and taking his hand. But I do like the idea of Tony doing a grand gesture for Loki, but not Iron Man related.
> 
> Maybe being like, "if you won't accept us, then I'll leave Earth. There are other worlds Loki and I can live on, and I'd rather give up everything here, then give up him."
> 
> Cue the Avengers pouting but agreeing to leave them be when Loki cuts back on his chaos, mischief is allowed (JARVIS very pointedly cleared his throat there) and then happy (more or less) family 😋


End file.
